I feel great
I just peed on a car
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
