Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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