She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
