you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize