i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Randomize