I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
