My balls are so social today.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
