Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
