battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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