All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
