how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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