She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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