Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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