Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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