U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
