after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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