it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
