Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It was like getting head from an anaconda
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Randomize
