I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
