theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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