I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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