I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize