It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
vagina is talking i cant
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
