If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I think I just sharted jello shots
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