From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She has the best kind of daddy issues
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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