I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
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