i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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