At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize