Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
