i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize