I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
