On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Randomize
