I love black thongs
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
