i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
