I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
