First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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