Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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