i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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