Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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