I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
