What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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