I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
