she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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