He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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