i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
we should paint friendship bongs
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
