my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
