You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
