I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
