So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
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