things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Randomize
