It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
