the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Randomize