I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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