we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
