May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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