Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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