remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
