I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
