Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
