I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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