he was CRYING into my vagina
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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