"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
