She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
